After 3 years of hiatus, I've decided to re-enter the blogosphere as a much more mature, modern woman. No longer the poorest girl in Murray Hill(
Here she is!), I have advanced to a low-income lady living in the East Village. Success!
Anyway, here is what i've been up to... in no particular order.
1. Dating strangers from the internet and sometimes getting naked with them.
2. Pulling tampons out my dog's butt (3 tamps in 2 weeks!) if we're coming over, please flush.
3. Moving. Brooklyn to Hoboken to Manhattan. I lived with 1 ex boyfriend, 1 late 30's dum-dum, and a large Irish alcoholic whose jaw was wired shut and blended through all hours of the night. Now it's just me, Ernie and a couple of lesbians who are constantly listening to female singer-songwriters and "boning".
4. Throwing parties for my dog. Bark Mitzvah + 21st birthday party. More friends came to his 3rd birthday then to my 26th? WHY?
5. Putting faces in holes. This is why they pay me the big bucks.
www.faceinhole.com
6. Hanging out with my 2 year old niece Ava and teaching her dirty words like farts and boobies. Once she put a sticker on her forehead and i told her it was a bindi and all day long she said "bindi! bindi!" Then my brother-in-law got very upset with me because apparently now i am a big fat racist... untrue.. for the most part
7. 69'ing. They're making a comeback!
8. Watching many reality shows revolving around fat people and those addicted to drugs and blow up dolls. Big thanks to TLC and A&E for keeping my in my bed and away from drinking establishments on Mondays and Tuesdays.
9. Went to Chicago and tried to see how many hotdogs I could eat in a 3-day stretch.
10. Pooping my pants. I average once a year.
11. Naming my period Doris and referring to her as if she is a good family friend. Doris is on her way. She'll be here Tuesday, 10am (Thanks for the heads up, birth control) Doris is hungry. Doris is a fucking bitch i want to kill that bitch!!!!!
12. Washed my sheets/towels 6-8 times... total. Hi Mom.
I think that's it. It must seem like I live a glamorous life, but not compared to Sister Wives.
For those who have not yet experienced the beauty of this TLC program, I will explain. It is a bunch of large ladies living in Utah who all 69 the same guy and share wifely-duties!
As skeevy as it sounds, i honestly think it's a great idea.
First of all, I will never have to clean. Some other lady will be in charge of that, because my shared-husband will see that I am no good at it. I also won't have to cook, unless it's preparing turkey sandies or pouring cereal which i'm really great at. I can pop out cute kiddies and take nice pictures of them to post on facebook, but that other wife can breast feed so that I can get back to drinking beer on a regular schedule. I will be in charge of the family dogs. I will feed them, let them in the yard and take naps with them in my king sized bed.
And the best part? I will be put into the sexual rotation so that I only have to get naked on Thursdays (and maybe Monday mornings). That way i won't miss any of my nightly programming (they are mormons so i doubt they have DVR). I can schedule him in before dinner and then demand wife #3 make us stirfry and pork dumplings. Oh, and i won't have to go to work!
My friend Becky is also contemplating marrying in to my family, but only if her main duty is making the playlists.
Here is what we would look like.
